I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
