hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
