i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
