Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
