She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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