I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
