my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
