I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...