I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
