I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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