$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
