then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
