So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
