I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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