I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
