I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
