planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
