Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
