i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
