fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
