the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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