hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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