Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
