woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
