Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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