i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
