So gin and wine won't be happening again
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
