Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
