Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My hand turned me down
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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