Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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