Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
