you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
