If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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