my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
