Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This baby is an asshole
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
