I can't breathe out the right side of my face
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
