it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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