I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize