no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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