I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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