The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
