One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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