I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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