I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Less talking, more tequila
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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