I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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