Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
