Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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