Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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