I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
