I think I am morally bankrupt
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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