And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
