i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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