broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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