you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
