i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Randomize
