my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
