I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.