she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.