Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.