Sry I called you an 8
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
