just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
