he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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